Threshold

Deliverance...16

2009-10-26T18:26:00.003+05:30

Sunaina stood looking out at the fields for a long time. Her three children were huddled close to each other behind her on the floor. The quilt barely enough to cover their growing bodies.

The money lender was due to come again today to collect his dues; she had hoped that by some miracle she would be able to collect enough money to atleast pay the interest but try as she might she couldn’t arrange enough half the amount.

The moneylender had clearly indicated last time that he wouldn’t take no for an answer anymore, it would have to be either the money or her next time.

She had tried her best to repay the debts, pawning the last bit of jewellery she owned even the little that had been gifted to her children but the loan seemed unending. A loan which had gone to fuel Inder’s drinking and gambling and which she now had to pay back with her honour. The ignominy of it ran shivers down her spine.

The sudden flash of inspiration brought her to life. She looked again to check that the children were sound asleep, barred the door from outside and went off to the neighbourhood STD booth.

On her return she peeped in to find the children still sleeping. She walked across to the kitchen walked in locked the door and calmly poured the kerosene oil on herself. She looked around found the match box and set herself on fire. She watched fascinated as the flames leaped up to engulf her, almost welcoming. She kept quiet for as long as she could before the shrill cry that brought the neighbours running was heard. The doctor tried his best with the limited facilities available at a village dispensary but she was too far gone.

Sujata had been informed by her maid when she woke that Sunaina had called early in the morning to ask her to visit the village today urgently. She had moved immediately the summons sending a chill through her and her instinct had proved right. By the time she reached all she could do was console the children and make arrangements for the cremation. No one knew where Inder was so Sunaina’s eldest son had to do the rites. In her heart Sujata knew that Sunaina wouldn’t have wanted Inder to do it either.

There was not much left to do, the money lender to whom the land was mortgaged quickly claimed it as his. Sujata called Amit with the news and then boldly said she was bringing the children home with her. Amit acquiesced without a murmur and Sujata yet again wondered what had changed her husband so much.

Within twenty fours hours of Sunaina’s contemplating the helplessness of her situation, everything had been sorted out. Her house was shut down, her children still dazed, not fully comprehending what had happened were looking forward to visiting the city with Sujata and her debts had been paid off.Sunaina had found deliverance.

Waiting...15

2009-03-25T18:14:00.002+05:30

Sujata felt excited, Amit was returning from his business trip today. She fussed about in the kitchen, a place she seldom visited. Her recent visits to her village had reminded her of all the delicious stuff that her grandmother used to cook up with simple vegetables and she had decided she would make some of that for Amit.

His trip this time had been exceptionally long. Almost a month and she imagined that he would be craving simple home cooked food. She checked her watch yet again….she needed to hurry to be able to take a bath before he came.

Sujata often wondered about her relationship with Amit. Her own feelings puzzled her. The only two occasions she could remember when Amit had held her really close were during her labor pains and two months back when they had both rushed to Mussourie on being informed that Deeksha was being followed by an unknown man.

That was also something she was curious to know about. Amit had been receiving regular updates from the detective agency that had been hired to find the man and ensure Deeksha’s safety. He had not passed on all the details to her. Since he was away she had not pressed for details however now that he would be back she could ask for more information.

The familiar black gates opening to allow the car entry reminded Amit once again of a cave, his own den which protected him from all that happened in the outside world. His mind went over the past month and he couldn’t believe that he had actually stayed on hunting for a young man, whose name also he wasn’t sure of.

What madness had gripped him! The boy’s behavior had infuriated him, puzzled him and at last made him feel humbled. He was not used to charity and that’s what the boy had done towards him. He couldn’t come away without repaying the gesture in some manner. So he tried his best to find the boy. But try as he might he couldn’t find the boy. He had gone back to that pub every evening for a week but the boy never showed up again. He was afraid to ask after him, it would raise too many eyebrows. And there was the bigger question of who to ask after; he didn’t even have a name to start on.

Only the mails from the detective agency had the power to drag him back home otherwise for how long he would have continued on that hopeless pursuit even he wasn’t aware. The mails mentioned that the stalker was back after having disappeared for almost ten days.

Through all his passions and problems Deeksha remained one string that could pull him back. He still remembered the first moment when the nurse had taken him to see her. She had her eyes closed tightly and she seemed to be sleeping. A little red bundle with a very brave face. As he stood looking she had opened her eyes and smiled. He had fallen in love and that love helped him tide over the most turbulent and sad moments of his life, always.

Opening up .....14

2008-12-26T13:34:00.002+05:30

Amit got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, he was about to pick up his robe when the memory of last night came flooding back and he left it on the floor. Refreshed, he moved towards the electric kettle on the side board he wanted to fix himself and his companion a nice cup of tea.

It was only at times like these that he ever bothered to do these small homely acts; it gave him a strange sense of relaxation and peace. In the other world he inhabited he was the lord and master and it was unthinkable that he do anything himself, there were always a retinue of servants to do his bidding. But times like now were too personal and intimate to allow for a third to intrude.

He surveyed the messy bed yet again; his companion was still sleeping, hand thrown over eyes to shield against the light. Amit drew the curtains completely aside allowing the sun to come through and brighten up the room. He felt strangely young and full of exuberance though nothing in his measured walk and action would have shown what he felt inside.

He went over with the cup of tea and gently shook the sleeper awake and handed over the tea cup, with a reluctant grunt the guy got up and then realizing where he was gave a sheepish grin and accepted the cup.

Amit looked him over yet again; he was a beauty. Normally Amit never picked partners so rashly but this guy was different. He was working as a bouncer at a bar Amit had visited last night. Amit met him in the men’s room and convinced him to come back to his hotel room with him.

And the risk had been completely worth it, the boy was a pro at love making, he delighted and teased Amit through the night and the best thing was he didn’t ask any embarrassing questions. Amit wondered if he could risk meeting this boy ever again. He was almost falling in love with the boy and the thought of his nagging partner back in Mumbai did nothing to help matters.

The boy finished his tea and got out of bed, his strapping physique and unashamed manhood making Amit swallow hard. The boy had told him that nudity was what he loved best and he put on clothes only when it was absolutely needed.

He had taken off Amit’s clothes slowly and then made him parade around naked, even made him walk out to the balcony to make him feel the thrill of cold air on naked skin and Amit had come away with a new lightness in his heart, a spring in his step.

The boy took a long time in the bathroom, Amit waited impatiently for him to reemerge. He had already called his secretary to ask her to cancel all his meetings for the day and he wanted to plan out the rest of the day with the boy. He wanted the boy to take him around the city, show him the things that he would have never seen from the insides of his luxurious car. He wanted to be close to the boy, he wanted to get under his skin, understand how his heart and mind worked. He felt like a teenager in the first flush of love. And he waited for the boy to walk out of the bathroom.

Finally the boy emerged, freshly bathed, smelling of the hotel’s soap and shampoo. He strode to the telephone and called up room service to order a simple breakfast of bread & butter and a lot of fruits. Amit had been planning an elaborate breakfast with caviar and wine. This rude intervention in his plan made his anger flare up till the boy turned and said pleasantly ‘I am famished, you wrung out all my energy last night’ and Amit melted.

The boy quickly picked up his clothes, wore them and put the room back in order, Amit kept sitting and watched the boy move around, wondering what would the boy want to do next.

The breakfast trolley arrived and the food was gulped down in no time. Then the boy started filling up the fruits in his bag. Amit couldn’t help his quizzical expression.

The boy stopped what he was doing and then said ‘these are for my father who is in hospital, I need to go and see him and am too late to be able to stop to pick up some food for him.’

Amit’s plan for a lazy afternoon and evening vanished and keeping his frustration aside he asked the boy enough questions to understand that he was from a lower middle class family, he was studying and did odd jobs to support himself and his ailing father.

Amit began seeing last night in a different light. The boy was sure to ask for money for services rendered. He got up to write out a cheque he wasn’t in the habit of carrying too much cash on him.

The click of the door made him look up and he saw the boy leave, he was about to follow but his nakedness stopped him.

What was he to make of this? The boy didn’t ask for any money or his contact number or any other favor.

He sat at his desk for a long time wondering at the turn of events, cursing himself for thinking that he understood all that was there to understand about human beings.

Finally he pulled himself up and walked to the bathroom for a bath. The answer to all his queries was there, the boy had left a note saying,

‘You looked so lonely last night I couldn’t let you stay that way.’

Pursuit...13

2008-11-18T17:22:00.003+05:30

The man stood smoking against the pillar of the bus stop. His new shoe pinched a bit but he kept it on. He saw himself reflected in the tinted glass of a passing vehicle and marveled again at the difference a shave had made to his appearance.

He had to be patient he told himself; last week’s disappointment must not dissuade him. He looked around it was much the same scene, the old woman selling agarbattis in the corner, the sweeper who having finished his morning shift was waiting or perhaps whiling away time by sunning himself and the passing honking traffic and a few people trying to get a lift.

At long last he saw the bus coming, it took the last turn and came to a halt right next to him. The girls spilled out laughing and chattering. This weekly outing was the highlight of their life in the residential school. Pocket money was hoarded for this time when they would be able to buy that yummy pastry at Aunty’s store or pick up delicacies at the neighbouring store which stocked everything from exotic jams, jellies to processed cheese and meat products, not to mention the coloured clips, pens and pencils which were needed to keep up with each other.

The man kept an eagle’s eye out for Deeksha, she had not come in the bus last week. He had waited hopelessly, this week however his patience was rewarded. He spotted her in a group of five girls standing to the side of the bus as if waiting for someone to join them. His first urge was to go up to her and speak but he controlled himself. Deeksha was precious and he had to handle this with utmost care, it wouldn’t do to alarm her at all.

The girls moved off in bunches, the eldest being the first to move off, the younger ones were chaperoned by a teacher and the man was afraid that Deeksha would be too close to a teacher for him to be able to do anything.

Deeksha was oblivious of the man’s presence. Her interest was focused on the new pen she had seen at the shop on her last visit; she wanted one in pink and had asked the shopkeeper to order one for her. Her friends said she wouldn’t get her pen. They had made a bet if she won they would all buy her something she liked otherwise she would treat them all to pastries at aunty’s store.

The girls started walking towards the shop all chattering nineteen to the dozen, the new teacher followed them with a book under her arm and a slightly lost look. The man saw all this and waited, once the group crossed out of sight he got up and followed at a discreet distance.

Deeksha have a cry of joy when the shopkeeper handed over the pen to her as her friends looked on sheepishly. She quickly paid for it and then found a small bracelet she had liked last time which she made her friends pay for. Once done with their purchases the girls headed towards the pastry shop. The new teacher had found a corner seat which overlooked both shops and she sat down there to wait for the girls to return.

Missing...12

2008-10-29T16:23:00.002+05:30

The phone call came just as she was dropping off to sleep. Initially the ring of the cell phone sounded far off and she thought she was dreaming but then the sound became more persistent and she realized with a start that it was her cell phone ringing.

The number was unfamiliar and for a moment the events of the past twenty four hours came flooding back. The midnight flight to Delhi and then the long journey to and fro to her daughter’s residential school in the hills. Amit had an important meeting to attend and that meant that they immediately take a flight back to Bombay as well.

The ringing was becoming shrill and she finally picked up the call.

The road was bumpier than she remembered, the recent rains must have caused havoc or perhaps bereft of the sweet nostalgia of her last journey it seemed more tedious. Her nerves were on edges. She couldn’t remember the last time she had traveled so much in so little time. Perhaps in the days when she had been a part of the troupe and had performed at five different locations in a week.

Those trips with the troupe had been her life for so long and now when she thought of them, they seemed part of a hazy film she may have glimpsed long time back. She had worked so hard at removing those memories that all that remained were fragments. But sharp fragments nevertheless for each drew blood as she remembered some or the other sweet word or gesture of her Guru who had abandoned her after using her.

Sunaina stood on the steps of the temple, her hands soiled, her blouse clinging to her. She must have come straight from the fields, Sujata mentally noted as she walked up the steps. Sunaina broke down and started weeping even before Sujata reached her. The pent up fury and helplessness of the past days pouring out in torrents on the sight of a dear friend’s face.

Between hiccups and tears Sunaina’s plight was soon told. She had begged the grocer to give her the essentials to cook the bhog with for a few days till she could inform Sujata and she could come down. Now that too was over and she couldn’t fix the bhog for the next day. Her shame and grief knew no bounds and Sujata whose own mind was in turmoil over the events of the past few days had to set that aside in order to gather her wits and soothe Sunaina.

Money was Sunaina’s biggest problem, for Sujata it was the least of issues. How strange were the ways of the world?

The affair of the bhog was soon remedied and Sujata told the grocer that he was to give whatever Sunaina needed and she would come down every month and pay off the bills. The matter of Inder disappearing was more delicate and difficult to tackle. Sujata wanted to tell Sunaina to lodge a complaint with the Police but didn’t know how to broach the topic. In a village even the most worthless husband is considered as good as God, a complaint against one would ostracize Sunaina and in any case the Police would do little to actually find him.

Sujata kept debating with herself the wisdom of disclosing to Sunaina the episode of the strange man who had been shadowing her daughter. It seemed impossible that Inder would actually be able to find out where her daughter is and then want to trouble her and why should he?

Sunaina’s children were delighted to see Sujata again and each had his or her own story to tell about the missing clothes and their father who had disappeared yet again. Sujata heard them out while Sunaina made the evening meal. How different were the needs and wants of these children from that of her daughter who spoke of European holidays, foreign brands and wanted an Ipod for her birthday, Sujata couldn’t help musing.

These children seemed more mature and yet at the same time more innocent. They didn’t cry out loud when hurt rather they bit their lips and carried on. She glimpsed Sunaina’s quiet pride in them. Which God allows small children to suffer so much she wondered yet again.

The cry from the kitchen woke her from her thoughts and she ran, Sunaina stood shocked next to a hole in the wall.

What happened? Sujata almost screamed.

Sunaina stood rooted to the ground for so long that Sujata had to grab and shake her to get a response.

Finally she gasped, “Your letters are missing too”.

Flee...11

2008-10-07T14:29:00.003+05:30

The party was in full swing, as the wannabes tried to ingratiate themselves with those who had already achieved. Sujata held onto her glass of orange juice and looked around for Amit. He had excused himself to take a call on his mobile and had not returned ever since.

She wondered slightly who the call would have been from. Normally Amit didn’t take calls when out for social evenings. Her anxiety to find him had a bit of curiosity however the chief concern was not to be cornered by an acquaintance without Amit, who knew all the correct polite answers to the questions those people, asked.

She wandered on the edges of the party, looking unconcerned and yet keeping an eye out for Amit. Finally she spotted him under a tree, intently talking on the phone. As she watched she felt a twinge of jealousy for all that kept Amit occupied and his life so purposeful. Her own life in comparison seemed so goal-less.

Amit finally kept the phone and looked around; he saw her at a distance and beckoned her to come close.

We need to go home, he said as soon as she reached him.

Not unpleasant words for Sujata at all, she hated these necessary for business parties but such a quick exit surprised her. Amit usually stayed back late, getting acquainted with new people, striking deals with known ones and even whistling and dancing with the performers at times along with the other inebriated males.

Together they started walking towards the entry where the hostess was still standing welcoming guests, a quick excuse about an emergency at work which was pulling them away from such a wonderful party later, they were out.

They got into the car and Amit asked the driver to take them to the airport, initially Sujata didn’t ask anything, waiting for Amit to explain his strange behavior as and when he would deem fit. She assumed he had to take a flight immediately.

Amit seemed preoccupied; he made several calls asking for a certain person whose name she had not heard ever. Then a word caught her ear ‘Mussorie’.

What happened to my daughter? She gasped.

Amit looked at her strangely for a while and then said, ‘nothing yet but something might’.

He didn’t say another word and she knew better than to ask in the presence of the driver, something in Amit’s eyes told her she had to hold her tongue.

She submitted to the long ride to the airport and then once inside waited impatiently for Amit to organize the tickets and then come back and tell her what the whole thing was about. In the meantime her mind ran back to the farce of the puja in her daughter’s name that she had created; she couldn’t help cursing herself for it.

Finally Amit came back and said, ‘our flight for Delhi leaves in an hour and a half.’

He saw the unasked question in her eyes and on impulse gave her shoulders a squeeze and told her not to worry. He sat her down, took her trembling hands in his and then explained.

‘I got a call from her Head Mistress, it seems a man has been asking to meet her, since his name didn’t show on the authorized visitors list he was not allowed. Later the security guards saw him lurking at the gates and playground and even following the school bus.’

Sujata closed her eyes and relaxed a bit, her daughter was safe, and there had been no accidents or sudden illness. It was only a man and though it was disturbing Amit would surely know how to tackle this problem.

Amit looked a little puzzled to see Sujata relax instead of the agitation he was expecting. Strange are the ways of women, he mused.

After a while Sujata who had seemed lost in thought asked, if their daughter was aware of this man following her. Amit wasn’t sure but thought not and said so.

They sat together holding hands each immersed in his or her own thoughts.

The drive up the mountains with the sun barely starting to rise was beautiful and for a moment Sujata forgot the dark shadow of the stranger man who was trying to disrupt her daughter’s peaceful life.

They reached the school gates and the guards who had been informed of their visit asked them to drive in directly to the Head Mistress’s home.

Sujata waited impatiently as Amit and the Head Mistress exchanged pleasantries, this was one talent she had never mastered, the ability to act as if nothing was wrong and talk about inane things when something of much higher importance lay beneath.

As the discussion finally turned to her daughter and this strange man who had been following her, Sujata came alive, asking for details of what the man looked like, what language did he speak etc? Amit looked on amazed at her taking centre stage for once; she got all the details and then relaxed a bit. The man was unknown, not someone from her past as she had feared.

She left it to Amit to make arrangements. It was decided that a private security firm would be asked to protect their daughter while also trying to dig out details on the man. Her desire to meet her daughter was vetoed, since such a visit by both parents would seem strange and they took the winding way back to Delhi.

Blessings...10

2008-07-31T15:58:00.004+05:30

Not a fortnight passed when Sunaina realized that the smell of money travels a long distance. Her husband who had been missing for months returned home one evening. It was clear that he knew of Sujata’s visit and the fact that she had left money and provisions with his wife. Sunaina and the children both cringed inwardly on seeing him. They knew drunken brawls and the beatings would now be the norm.

Sunaina thought hard of what to do with the money that Sujata had left behind, she had no doubts that it was for this money that her husband had returned home and once he could lay his hands on the same he would disappear again.

The children quickly hid their new clothes; experience taught them to hide everything from their father. The youngest one was the only one unafraid largely because also inexperienced. She crawled to him and sat close looking up at him wonderingly. It wasn’t often she saw a new face in the house. She was rewarded with a pat on the head and then her father walked away.

Three days passed with Sunaina quaking in fear inside for when Inder would pounce on her for the money and on the outside doing her daily chores. Inder seemed content to laze at home and not bother any one much. He even seemed to have softened towards the children and didn’t shout and kick out at them, as he used to.

Sunaina offered a coconut at the end of a week of her husband’s home coming. He seemed a changed man and she saw no other reason than the fact that she had been regularly coming to the temple and God had finally answered her prayers. It was enough for her that Inder was at home and not fighting or getting drunk. Infact he was also helping her with a few chores. Only yesterday she had returned from the field to find a whole bunch of nicely chopped firewood by the stove. And the other day she had seen him play with the children a game of hopscotch. It was too good to be true and she thanked the Lord for his benevolence.

The daily visits to the temple had given a few minutes of peace and solace to Sunaina in her otherwise ever busy life which she spent running from one task to another. She had earlier never thought about the future of her children. The arduous task of filling their bellies with food twice a day was difficult enough.

Now that her children looked a little well fed and that Sujata had suddenly dropped like manna from heaven into her hell-like world, she wondered if it was possible that with Sujata’s help she could provide for a better future for her children. Once unleashed the possibilities were endless and she dreamt of her children as prosperous, happy people.

A month flew past. Inder continued to be at home. His old cronies had come asking for him to join them but he had refused twice, the third time they came he told the eldest child to go out and say that father wasn’t at home. Sunaina watched all this in astonishment. These were the same men whose lewd remarks she had protested against and had been beaten unconscious by Inder.

On her way home from the field Sunaina had made it a practice to go to the temple to collect the empty utensils. That day too she returned home with the utensils nicely balanced on her head when she spotted her children huddled around the door with grim faces. She quickened her pace though without being told she knew that Inder and the money she had kept in the hole dug under the stove would both be gone.

The eldest one saw her first and cried out, ‘that man has gone away again and he took our new clothes too’.

Homecoming...9

2008-07-17T16:50:00.003+05:30

The return journey went in a daze. Sujata was happy to have been able to help her friend and also a little apprehensive about lying about the dream. The fact that she had to use her daughter and God as an excuse goaded her. For the umpteenth time she consoled herself that the Lord after all knew that she had used his name only for a good cause.

Before she knew the familiar arrogant gates of the bungalow were there before her. they opened almost automatically, the guards having spotted her car at a distance and she was engulfed once again in the beautiful, lifeless existence she called life.

Amit came home a little early; he gave himself a few reasons for this unusual behavior. He felt he wasn’t feeling well but couldn’t locate what exactly was the problem. Then he rationalized it by thinking he needed to pack for his trip the next day, which wasn’t true since he never packed, the servants did the needful supervised by Sujata.

'Ah Sujata! She would be home by now'. This thought came unbidden to his mind and caught him by surprise. She had been gone just a day, it couldn’t be that he was missing her. After all their interactions were of the most polite kind…more to show a semblance of normalcy to the world than anything else.

The memory of that strange day so many years ago crept back. He had been frustrated driving about the city aimlessly, hoping nay praying some vehicle hit him and ended his torment. And that’s when he had spotted Sujata on the road. She had provided him the much needed solution. No, not that she said anything; it was divine providence that he spot her and the solution to his problem pop up in his mind at the same time.

The deal between two equally desperate people had been honoured. Sujata had been a model wife in front of the world and had discreetly been out of the picture in his personal life. She knew that his frequent trips were not always about business and she packed in the condoms herself so that the servants wouldn’t gossip.

Her daughter had rounded off the farce well and truth be told he loved the child as his own. She was God’s greatest blessing in his otherwise topsy turvy life. The only son of a famous father, he had no business being homosexual and bring dishonour to the illustrious family name. His daughter not only filled his life with love and innocence she also stopped the slanderous tongues from wagging by her very presence.

He knew he loved the little girl but this urge to see Sujata had taken him by surprise. Perhaps he had just got used to her presence in the house he mused.

Walking into the bedroom he stopped embarrassed, Sujata who had not expected him this early was changing her clothes. She looked up to find him standing there uncertain and quickly covered herself. They both stood uncertain till Sujata recovered herself enough to say ‘do walk in and close the door, the servants will see.’

Amit walked in looking ashamed, his evident discomfort made her laugh forgetting her own unease, ‘don’t feel so ashamed you are my husband after all’ she managed to say between giggles.

Amit went straight to the bathroom, emerging a full ten minutes later. Sujata was not in the room, he walked out to the living room to find her waiting with the tea set infront of her. It was a reassuring sight, something he had grown accustomed to over the years. Almost taken for granted. He thought of telling her his thoughts but then just took the proffered tea and moved to his place next to the window.

He felt a need to talk to Sujata though he didn’t know what about. her trip seemed a safe bet. He turned around to ask and both of them spoke at the same time.

your…

My…

Sujata started laughing again, he stopped not knowing how to proceed. He looked at Sujata who was finding it hard to keep her laughter under control, she looked a lot younger. Her trip had done her good. Normally the best of jokes elicited only a polite smile from her and here she was giggling like a school girl. He was glad he had let her go after all.

Finally Sujata got her giggles under control and said, ‘sorry you were saying something’.

‘Nothing much, just wanted to know if your trip went well’, suddenly talking to his own wife seemed like an arduous task.

Sujata looked up at him a little surprised, he usually didn’t ask about her activities at all.
‘Yes all was well. Am grateful that you let me go’ she answered.

Amit smiled in answer and Sujata taking sudden courage went on, ‘ I have arranged with a friend to ensure that the offerings to the deity would be made in our daughter’s name for a year. I will go every few months to see to the arrangements and ensure that everything runs smoothly’. She looked at Amit intently waiting for his response.

He kept quite for a while then just nodded and walked off to his library. She watched after his back for some time and then went up to take her usual place by the window.

She was back in her prison.

Offerings...8

2008-05-22T14:58:00.004+05:30

Sujata stared at Sunaina, she had pictured her in many ways but the reality bought a lump to her throat. Sunaina’s once beautiful hair now had streaks of grey and it had lost its sheen. Her hands and feet were calloused from working constantly in the fields and then at home. Even her saree had a tear which she had tried best to hide, and this was her best saree. The children had said so to Sujata.

Sunaina was sleeping peacefully, they had gossiped till late after Sujata said that she was not hungry. Sunaina had secretly sighed in relief which had not escaped her friend. Their chat had revolved around the various acquaintances of their childhood. Every time Sujata had tried to bring the discussion back to Sunaina, she had been met with a silent wall and a quick changing of topic.

She knew her friend was in trouble but how was one to help without knowing what exactly the ailment was. She got up stealthily and went into the kitchen; walking on tiptoes she checked the near empty rice and wheat containers. It just helped to reconfirm her doubts. She went and sat out on the verandah and racked her brains to find a way to help her friend without offending her self esteem. The tolling of the temple bells in the distance gave her the idea. She started waiting impateintly for Sunaina to get up so that she could tell her and check her reaction.

The temple bells which gave Sujata her plan also woke up sunaina, who sat up and not finding Sujata beside her hurried out only to find her sitting outside. She sat down beside her stroking her loose strands like she had done many a time when they were children.

‘Sunaina, I need a favour from you, you must help me. Sujata broke the silence. Sunaina was taken aback, she had hardly anything but whatever she had was at her friend’s disposal she replied.

Sujata told her about her fabricated dream of the village deity and her belief that he was angry with her for not having visited for so long. She feared for her child and to placate the deity she had pledged that she would have an offering served at his temple for a whole year. She wanted to start tomorrow and needed Sunaina to continue with the ritual for the rest of the year. She would keep visiting every couple of months.

Sunaina couldn’t but agree though she had a nagging feeling that something was not right. Not once had Sujata mentioned the dream in the letters. However she too was a mother and couldn’t say no to another worried about her child’s welfare. But how was she to arrange for the elaborate oferings everyday for the next year? She well knew only the very best went into making the Lord’s food, the best basmati rice, choicest vegetables, pure ghee, and dry fruits. Where would she find the resources to buy those?

As if answering her thoughts Sujata explained that she would buy and stock enough rice, ghee and spices to last atleast a couple of months and she would leave enough money with Sunaina to buy the fresh stuff. She would keep coming back as and when possible to ensure that Sunaina didn’t want for anything.

Next morning after an early bath both friends visited the temple and then went to the grocery store. Sujata gave a list of things and asked it to be delivered to Sunaina’s place. Sunaina was nervous she didn’t want the grocer to mention her debts infront of Sujata. But he seemed completely enthralled with the wad of notes that Sujata handed him and busied himself with ordering the boy to pack the stuff.

Once home Sujata handed over money to Sunaina who protested it was far too much, she would not take even half. Sujata had a tough time getting her to agree. She explained that she didn’t want Sunaina to cook twice once for the offerings and then the regular food for her family. It was a hard to refuse logic. Cooking twice for each meal would leave Sunaina very little time to tend to the fields, so though reluctantly she had to agree.

Sujata went away, after promising to return in a month or so. The children who had each been given new clothes and chocolates by Sujata masi went around the village showing off their new possessions. Sunaina could only thank the lord for this turn of events. The happy thought of her children eating decent meals for a change washed away any residue of resistance her mind threw up.

She couldn’t believe that it was her own kitchen filled to the brim with the best money could buy. She would wake up at night and imagine noises in the kitchen and go to check. Once there she would find it difficult to leave and would just stay on arranging and rearranging things.

People who used to shun her earlier, now came calling, hoping to reap some benefits from her friendship with Sujata. Sunaina had lived all her life in the village and it took Sujata’s visit to get her neighbours to acknowledge her existence. Such is life.

Arrival...7

2007-10-25T12:16:00.002+05:30

Sunaina looked out at the pouring rain and felt the elation she had felt for the past two days draining away. No one would be able to travel in this torrent she thought, not even Sujata with her rock strong will.

Two days ago when the telegram had arrived saying that Sujata was coming down to meet her she had not believed her eyes. Though they had been planning this visit over their letters for the past three months it seemed unbelievable that it would be actually happen.

Once it sank in she had got into a frenzy trying to make her small home look its best. She had taken down all curtains and bed covers to the river for a rigorous wash. The kitchen had been cleaned and the soot which had collected over years was scrubbed away in a matter of hours. The children had looked on bewildered as their mother who normally cursed under her breathe while she went about the daily grind was actually heard humming an old hindi film song.

Now all that seemed a waste, since the rain looked like it would never stop and Sujata must have turned back towards her comfortable home in the city. It was a disappointment for sure but Sunaina was also secretly relieved. Though her ministrations of the past two days had made the house look habitable there was no way she could hide the roof leaking in several places from her friend. For the nth time Sunaina cursed her timidity and lack of resources to visit Sujata in the city that would have ensured that the extent of her poverty and misfortune was kept hidden from her friend.

Though Sujata had poured out her heart and mind to Sunaina in letters which threatened to run into reams, Sunaina had spoken very little about herself, filling up the pages instead with news of their acquaintances and family. Now Sujata was coming and if she did nothing could be hidden any longer. Her husband’s absence from home for over two years was the village gossip and Sujata was bound to hear it from someone if not the children.

The thought of the children brought her out of her reverie, Sujata or no Sujata the children needed to eat it was late afternoon. She had made halwa puri and aloo subzi the way Sujata used to love. It had meant that she spend her week’s ration money to buy the ingredients and now if she distributed the food to the children there would be nothing in the house if Sujata did come.

A loud noise in the kitchen made her run towards it and she found her youngest daughter clutching onto a plate and bawling her heart out. She picked up the child and hushed her offering to give halwa puri if only she would be quiet. The other two children came into the kitchen hearing her promises and she had to divide the food between the three hungry children.

The children had barely finished their meal licking their lips and fingers in glee for it was seldom that they got such treats that the horn of a vehicle shattered the peace. The children rushed out, they had heard a hundred stories of Sujata Masi and nothing would contain their excitement of seeing her for the first time.

So it happened that Sujata who was trying to negotiate her way through the sludge found herself being stared at by three pairs of unbelieving eyes and that's when it struck her how much she had changed since she last put her foot in this village.

Loss...6

2007-08-21T12:46:00.001+05:30

The rain fell incessantly; mercilessly…it threatened to wash away everything with it. Nothing but nothing would stand in its way as the torrents that poured from the skies rushed on their way to meet the river and then on to the sea.

The stranded car rocked slightly from time to time as it tried to keep its hold on the fast receding ground. The driver once again came to her window to urge her to go back but seeing her determined face went back to his place under the bonnet. She almost didn’t notice him though a part of her brain did register the movement. She was lost in thought.

She remembered her mother’s wet smiling face as they had run from the fields to the house hand in hand, hurrying to collect the drying papads, pickles and other assorted masalas spread out in the courtyard before the rains spoiled them. That funnily was the only memory she had of that fateful night that swept away her parents and her childish innocence with it.

She had heard her grandmother’s version though time and again. How she and her brother were found bound to a high branch faint with hunger and tiredness. Her parents had done that with the last ounce of strength they must have possessed before being swept away themselves in trying to retrieve their fast floating away belongings.

That’s all she remembered of her parents that carefree smile on a face which was young and remarkably untouched by the hardships of life. When she thought of her father she saw visions of Bhollu the bullock moving slowly infront and a rowdy head of hair which she was clutching on to as her father walked behind the bullock guiding him, with her on his shoulder. She couldn’t bring his face into focus how much ever she tried. She had seen a picture of him when he was probably a little more than a lad taken along with many friends at some village mela but that didn’t seem like anyone she had known.

A sudden lightening and thunder woke her from her reverie and for a moment she couldn’t place where she was. Then she remembered she was on her way to her village to meet a friend she had not seen in over a decade. That Amit had actually agreed to let her go was a miracle that she chuckled over yet again. Though she did have to make up an elaborate story about repeatedly seeing the village deity in her dreams and her fear that something evil would befall him if she didn’t go to appease the Goddess.

Memories...5

2007-03-30T18:47:00.002+05:30

Dear Sunaina,

Am hoping this note finds you in good health and spirits and not too surprised at seeing a letter from me who must have passed into the realms of mere memories.

I am sorry I had to disappear without notice and didn’t have the time to even inform you about my plans before leaving. But even as time has flown like water under a bridge I have never forgotten you and at every turn in my life I have mentally checked back as to how you would have viewed my decisions and actions.

Since childhood you have been my conscience keeper and it was a pain to keep my plans to myself before I left home and then not to touchbase with you once I had gone away, knowing that your concern for my well being will make you share my details with my family. They would have lost no time in dragging me back to that quagmire which I had escaped. Its been so many years and I can finally be in touch again.

There is so much to tell you and so much to ask after. Your son whom I had seen last as a toddler must now be in school and joined by atleast another sibling also. I am hoping your husband has got a better job and that you are now comfortable in life.

As for me, I had run away to Mumbai and am now established as a dancer of repute, though nowadays I do more choreography than real dancing. When I had come here it had been my dream to be just an extra dancer on film sets and earn 200-300 rupees per day.

After much knocking on doors I had finally been accepted into the troupe of my guru and in a few months had become the favorite disciple. This led to many petty rivalries to crop up for there were many students who had at various points in time been the guru’s favorite. Being upstaged by a small town girl did not go down well with them. They employed various strategies to ensure that I would leave the group but I resolutely stuck to my goal and ignored them as best as I could.

I stayed on for almost a year and a half, performing in various programs where the troupe was invited. We traveled extensively to almost all the big cities of India. My position in the group was consolidated and I was one of the lead dancers and even the posters that were printed started carrying my picture and name. My happiness knew no bounds. This after all had been my childhood dream. I felt there was nothing else I wanted to do in life. However I was naïve and failed to see the catastrophe that was slowly but surely creeping up on me.

Like I mentioned I had become the favorite of my guru and he treated me like family. I was used to his calling me to discuss some point or show me a new step he had thought of. On one of our trips to perform in Delhi we were traveling by Rajdhani, when I received such a call from the guru asking me to come to his cabin, (he always traveled first class while me and the girls were in third AC compartments) I found it nothing unusual. It must have been around 10.30 at night and dinner had been served and most people were turning in for the night. I was quite sleepy but pushed myself to go. I went upto his cabin which was some way away from ours and knocked on the door. I heard him cough which was an indication that I may enter. I slided open the door and walked in to find him sitting up on his berth with his eyes closed seemingly meditating. As I walked in he opened his eyes and nodded at me to sit. As was my practice I sat down at his feet and he put a hand on my head and started speaking slowly.

He told me all about his life and how he too had to struggle to find his place in the world. As he spoke his hand slipped from my head to my shoulders and he kept it there, I felt a little uncomfortable but since he seemed totally oblivious, I didn’t have the heart to tell him to remove it. He went on to tell me how he had been married as per the custom of his community at the age of 14 and once he had found some respectability in Mumbai he had been pressed upon by his family and in-laws to bring his wife to live with him. His wife neither shared his passion for dance nor had anything in her personality that would bind him to her and he single mindedly pursued dance as his one and only love in life.

It was only now in his twilight years that he had started missing the great experience of true love. He was afraid he would never reach the pinnacle of his art because he felt his performance though complete and par excellence in all respects failed to live up whenever he enacted scenes between lovers for he had never experienced them.

I felt sorry for this man who was at the top and yet so lonely and I had turned to him to ask if having danced with some of the most beautiful and talented woman of his time he had not felt drawn to them.

He said most of those women interacted with him as professionals whose families he frequently met with socially, so there was no chance of such feelings to develop. Also most of them were in a manner of speaking his rivals and forever seeking ways of getting him to spill some his secrets which made him wary of them.

I found this logic a little far fetched but then who was I to argue with him and I was also reminded of my own experience with fellow students who instead of behaving like one large family were steeped in petty jealousies and slandering each other.

Asking me to get up from the floor where I had been sitting the Guru asked me to sit beside him and when I refused he said he had something important to tell me and this he wanted to share with me as an equal and not a disciple. I was puzzled and intrigued at the same time and got up to sit beside him on the berth.

He took my hands in his own and while holding them looked at me for a long time as if struggling with his own thoughts. Then he looked away outside the window and sat still holding onto my hands. I didn’t know what to say and when a long time had elapsed and I was about to ask him what it was he continued saying that at last in his life spanning five and a half decades he had found true love but he was hesitant to say anything to the person concerned as he wasn’t sure how such a declaration would be received.

I was relieved to hear this as I had thought he had some grave thing to tell me and I easily advised him to go ahead and speak his heart to the lady concerned and anyone would consider herself lucky to be the object of his love and affection and since his wife was no more there hardly seemed any problem in his achieving his desires.

He seemed gladdened by my suggestion and asked me quite a few times if I really thought he would be able to convince the lady and it would not be ill received. On my again reiterating my point, he excitedly got up from the berth and started nervously pacing the cabin. Then he suddenly grabbed me and made me stand up and then looking straight into my eyes told me that he was in love with me.

In fact he had fallen in love with me the first day I had walked into his dance class and his desire for me has burned bright since then. All this time he had been afraid of how I would receive such an advance and had therefore carefully kept his feelings hidden but he couldn’t hold it any longer and my encouraging words helped him speak his mind for the firt time. He told me that though he knew I didnt share them and must be deeply disturbed to hear all that he had to say I must find it in my heart to give him a chance and he would make me the happiest woman on earth.

He was right it had been a big shock for me and I had not known how to react to his disclosure. But he looked so forlorn and desperate that I didn’t have the heart to say no and in a bid to calm him I pulled him to sit down and told him to lie down as it was late. He behaved like a child and did as he was told, all the time looking at me and holding onto my hand as if fearing I would vanish if he were to so much as blink. I had never felt so adored before and it was not altogether an unpleasant feeling.

I told him to sleep and he said he would if only I promised to stay by him, I promised I would and he lay down quietly. I had planned to quietly slip away once he was asleep but I too had been exhausted by the night’s revelations and dozed off. The next thing I knew someone was knocking on the door and as I moved I found my hand firmly held in the Guru’s.

It brought a smile and I slowly disengaged my hand to open the door. The attendant looked in and gave me a knowing look, he had come with tea. His smile made me realize the foolishness of my action for I had spent the night in a cabin with the guru and my absence must surely have been noticed by the girls.

I walked out of the cabin in a daze and walked to the wash room, freshened up and walked back to my own compartment. As I feared a few of the girls were already up and discussing something and fell silent when they saw me.

What happened next is easily told. I faced a stony silence from the girls and those few who had spoken to me also now stopped speaking. The guru in his turn would keep asking me to join him on one pretext or the other and slowly without knowing when, I got accustomed to being his lover. He was always courteous and respectful and I came to love and depend upon him too.

Almost a year went by in this manner when I realized I was pregnant and shared this news with him. His eyes glazed over and he didn’t speak for some time when I asked him to explain his behavior he went into frenzy and shouted at me saying all this was a ruse to get money out of him and to harm his reputation. He piled abuse on me and even said that women from small towns were always trying to trap men like him into such compromises. He wasn’t even sure who the father of my unborn child was.

As I heard him out in silence much like his first declaration of love, too stunned to react, I realized how I had been taken for a ride and how this fatherly looking man had cleverly used his charm to keep me in his troupe while also enjoying my body.

I walked out of his house with the few things which belonged to me and hit the road. I didn’t have many friends in the city having lived in the guru’s house for the past year and a half and the few I knew socially would have hardly helped.

I was walking aimlessly on the streets not knowing what to do, when a car stopped besides me and someone stepped out. Though the face was familiar I was so engrossed in my own problems that I didn’t register who it was and kept walking. Someone called me by my name and that’s when I stopped to realize it was Amit, son of a competitor of my guru and a rich businessman in his own right.

He took me to a nearby coffee shop, asked if I would like to share my problems and having heard them out came up with the most unusual solution. He said that he wasn’t inclined to marry a woman and his family was insisting that he did. He couldn’t tell them his secret which was that he preferred men and was afraid of the slander that would rise if he was not able to perform his martial duties. He offered to marry me. He said that I need not worry I would not want for anything and my child would have a father’s name and if I found this suitable we could work out a deal.

His candor and honesty bowled me over and I agreed to his proposition.

I don’t know what you will think about me but this is the truth of my life. I am a renowned dancer and am the wife of an equally renowned man. I have an adorable daughter who studies in a Mussourie residential school and on the face of it I lack for nothing but look beneath and my soul is unfulfilled.

Let me finish here, I hope to hear from you i.e if you would like to renew our friendship. I sincerely hope you do for you are the only person I can unburden myself to and share my thoughts unhindered with.

Sincerely yours,

Sujata

Fulfillment....4

2006-12-18T20:07:00.001+05:30

The rain fell incessantly, mercilessly, without joy the way it falls in a place that has been inundated with more rains than it could handle for a week at a time. Sujata looked out on it with unseeing eyes. There was a time when the rains had never failed to fill her with awe and delight whatever her circumstances, it uplifted her thoughts, dreams and hopes to a higher realm. Now it just brought on a resigned sigh and an overwhelming desire to cry.

Her fingers went on with the knitting in her hand as her mind wandered and the multi hued scarf she was making wove on almost like on autopilot. Her hands had started shaking some years ago and she had taken up knitting with a vengeance it hid the fact of the shivering hands and also gave her some satisfaction to be able to create something in her otherwise barren life.

She saw the sentry running out under the torrent to open the gates and they creaked open reluctantly. She always found it funny-sad that the same gates looked like those of a palace to those outside and she who was inside viewed it as those of a prison. The black Mercedes swooshed in as the line of people waiting to catch a glimpse of the famed inhabitants jostled in the pouring rain. The crowd was almost a constant at the gates, Sujata wondered how would she react if one day the gates opened and she didn’t see anyone trying to peer in. The surprise would be too great she decided and even if she were to recover her husband and his extended family would probably go into shock.

She almost laughed out loud at the thought and the servant who had walked in with the tea stopped abruptly making the tea things tinkle. She turned quickly and spying him gave a sheepish smile he smiled back hesitatingly not knowing what this sudden favor meant.

“Have you given Ramprasad his biscuits?” It was an unnecessary question spoken to cover the confusion both master and servant felt at the unexpected intimacy.

“Ji, memsahib” the man answered and regaining his composure started to set the tea things.

Sujata turned back to the window to look at the familiar picture yet again. Everything in this house worked with clockwork precision she mused, she was not required the servants, guards, gardeners all knew what was expected of them and didn’t need any instructions at all. The flowers, plants, tea, dinner, guest's visiting cards and the mail all came in at the exact time in the exact manner, perfect and lifeless.

She turned again at the sound of a muffled cough, her husband’s manner of making his presence felt. She looked at him and with grace perfected over the years gave a plastic smile and a how do you do, while moving towards the tea table. He was usually quiet answering her question with a polite nod of the head. Today though he seemed disposed to talk and instead of taking his tea and walking off to the study as was his wont lingered by the open window standing almost where Sujata had stood a moment ago.

She readied herself for whatever it was he wanted to tell her. He however seemed to be debating with himself and took his time. She grew impatient, why couldn’t he get over with it? Must be another one of those party or social invites where he had to take her and there was no way she could excuse herself out of. Or was it something more serious something about their daughter studying in a Mussorie boarding, the thought came unbidden. She dismissed it with a small toss of her head he never bothered to seek her opinion on such matters. Then what could it be? She wondered staring all the while into the middle distance somewhere between her husband’s back and the table.

Finally sipping the last dregs of his tea Amit turned and walking towards her, “what is it that you are looking for?”

“Fulfillment” she answered without thinking and then bit her tongue. Why had she said that? Normally she only answered with a smile and ‘I have all that I can want’ or at times if she was really bold a request to go see her daughter which depending on Amit’s frame of mind was rejected or accepted.

The rain was to blame she decided it had seeped into her heart and her inner thoughts had leaked out to the surface.

“Fulfillment” Amit rolled the word in his mouth like a foreign wine and tried to understand what it meant. Failing which he gave her a quizzical look and shrugging indicated all that was around them.

“And how does one find this fulfillment of yours?”

She kept her silence not knowing what to say. The bravery given by the rains had evaporated much like it.

Amit waited for an answer then realising he wasn't about to get any, went off to his study leaving the air ripe with the unexplainable "fulfillment".

The Passage....3

2006-10-11T17:04:00.001+05:30

The gate looked imposing, off-putting she gathered up her frayed energies yet again and taking a deep breath knocked. She had become quite good at this repeated gathering of energies and their slow dissemination into thin air as she met the umpteenth dance director or troupe manager for a chance to be hired.

Inside the gate she could hear a dog barking and someone admonishing it in a hushed voice to keep quite and not disturb the recitals. Inspite of herself she couldn’t help but smile as she remembered Ramprasad who would be waiting patiently for her to return. He would jump up and smother her with wet licks the moment she opened the door. She had surprised herself by taking a liking to the mongrel not that she had much choice it had followed her resolutely on her journey to a new world and once when she had hitched a ride on a tempo had run alongside till the driver had stopped and picked it up. With a reproachful look Ramprasad had sat down panting close to Sujata’s feet, dripping saliva all over her. He had his uses too, on her lonely forays he had stuck to her and his presence had warded off many a lecher and poacher.

The gate was opened and she walked in to be confronted by two sour looking guards who asked for her details before showing her the way to where the renowned man was doing his evening recitals. She was warned against disturbing the master and told to hold her tongue till he deemed it fit to speak to her.

In front of her rose vision-like the marble facade of a haughty building. She was shown in by a servant who made it known by his manner that she had no business in that house and he was surprised at her audacity that she wished to see the Master.

Told to wait in an anteroom, she could see the Master sitting on a raised platform in a long room with mirror walls. The reflection of the students who were barely five or six in number filled the room and it looked like an army was dancing.

The room echoed with the sound of the ghungroos and Sujata lost herself in the rhythm that emanated and filled up her being. She so wanted to be a part of this enchanted circle of dancers and dance to the rhythm that the Master beat for them, faster and faster it went into a frenzy and the dancers followed suit beating the ground with their feet and then suddenly all was silent. It was like someone had splashed cold water over her.

She looked up to find that she was frozen in a mudra and the students were looking at her aghast. She thought of fleeing but found herself rooted to the ground. Hours seemed to pass as everyone kept silent, unmoving and she thought she should pinch herself to see whether it was a dream or reality.

Finally the Master beckoned, she went forward after taking off her slippers nd respectfully bowed to touch his feet, he raised his arm to bless her and a collective gasp was heard from the students. Never before had the Master been heard or seen to bless someone by touching, a mere nod of the head was what even the best of the students got.

Sujata felt she had arrived.

The Escape...2

2006-10-03T15:06:00.001+05:30

Mohan Lal, was one name that never failed to raise fear in Sujata’s heart. He was talking loudly, in that all-important voice he used whenever he was speaking on his newly acquired second hand mobile phone. He was walking towards where she stood, any moment he would be upon her, she looked around frantically and ducked behind the open kitchen door to escape notice.

As she squinted through the small gap between the roughly hewn boards of the door he walked into the courtyard, not finding anyone looked around with a frown and then roughly shook the charpoy on which the old woman was sleeping.

‘Where is Sujata?’ he asked as she tried to understand what had happened. She finally realised and cursed him roundly refusing to answer his question. He wasn’t to be dissuaded and kept repeating his question, his voice rising threateningly each time.

Finally the old woman gave up and turning her back to him grunted, ‘if you can’t handle your woman and she runs loose am I to blame? Don’t know where she is, isn’t back from wherever she goes to. God’s stick will fall on you for harassing an old woman like me.’ Muttering some more abuse on the world in general she promptly went to sleep again.

‘I will be back in sometime, she better be here by then’ Mohan Lal threatened and turned to leave.

Heaving a sigh of relief Sujata waited for him to go a fair distance and the thudding of her heart to stop. She wondered what moment of madness had induced her to say yes to his proposal of marriage. Perhaps the claustrophobic existence she led in her home had made any reason for escape welcome and she had quickly agreed only to realize within a few days that she had exchanged one kind of confinement for another. Her family bound her physically and he sought to bind her mind and heart to slavery of one man, him.

She finally found the courage to come out of hiding and quickly climbed the stairs to her room, which she shared with her brother’s three children. Once in she headed straight for the trunk that held her belongings and took out the ghungroos her guru had given as his blessing and a mark of the special place she held amongst his disciples. She had taken out a few of her well worn clothes and was planning in what to pack them when a sudden commotion in the courtyard alerted her to the possibility of her brother returning home. He was singing loudly and seemed in a jolly mood. A thing the entire family had learnt to dread for it was always succeeded by the sounds of his wife screaming in pain either as he forcefully entered her or she having refused was mercilessly beaten up.

Sujata dropped the clothes, there was no way she could walk out of the house with them without catching her brother’s eye. She tucked the ghungroos into her sari and the money in her blouse and with a last look at the room she had grown up in walked back to the courtyard.

Her brother was sprawled on a charpoy and didn’t seem to notice her as she slowly walked past, trying not to hurry as her heart felt like fleeing as quickly as possible. Just as she placed a foot outside the main door a voice boomed, ‘where do you think you are going?’

She turned quickly and saw her brother looking at her, ‘Aruna tai is making some sweets she wanted me to go and help her. She promised to give me some if I went’ She replied as coolly as possible. Her brother’s eyes glazed over with greed, food especially sweets was something he could never resist.

‘Come back soon and make sure that miserly woman gives you enough and don’t eat it all on the way, you are expanding into a buffalo, that Mohan too won’t marry you at this rate.’

Sujata nodded and walked out to find her newly found friend Ramprasad waiting patiently round the corner. He got up and wagged his tail at her and the two set out at a fast pace back the way they had come, towards freedom.

The Calling... 1

2006-09-27T15:38:00.002+05:30

Sujata stood with one feet in the air and hesitated, where she placed it would change the fabric of her life forever. As she stood in front of her ancestral home and looked up at the fading, peeling paints of the first floor window, childhood memories of calling out to the balloon wala and friends came flooding back. Where and how did those days go?

But it would not do to reminisce about the past, a decision had to be taken and taken now. She must once and for all decide whether she could endure the drudgery of her obscure life or would she stand up and have herself counted amongst those who fought to make something out of their lives.

The anxiety of having to decide had brought on a fine line of perspiration on her forehead and she absent-mindedly wiped at it with the end of her sari. Her long hair held by a hastily put clip was loose and she plucked at it as she weighed the oft-weighed options in her mind yet again.

What could she do? She had saved up some money from her meager earnings as a dance tutor but that would hardly count for much. She had the names and details of some people in the Bombay film industry that she had cut out or copied from the second hand magazines she flipped through at the neighboring raddiwalas stall. She had heard from her aunt that one of her distant cousins had gone to Bombay and had through sheer hardwork made it big, maybe she could meet her and ask for guidance.

A sudden noise disturbed her musings and she looked up startled to see a small dog come rushing down the street and some street children running after it. The dog almost collided with her and started whimpering. The children stopped at a distance to see if they would be scolded or allowed to go on with their sport.

Sujata bend down and picked up the dog in her arms all the while glaring hard at the kids. The kids shuffled around a bit and then went back the way they had come. She decided to walk some distance before letting the pup go so that the children whose stifled voices she could hear around the corner would not harass it again once she was not there to protect it.

The pup meanwhile had got over the fright of a few minutes ago and to show his gratitude licked her arm and hand well covering it with saliva. She as a rule didn’t like animals, they were messy and however well trained still unpredictable but the pup’s evident adoration towards his benefactress melted her heart. Pondering over where she could safely put him down she came upon the railway tracks that ran behind the houses. They had always fascinated her, two lines of steel shimmering in the far distance speaking to her about destinations unexplored, glory unattained.

She walked on for some distance just to make sure the children were not following her and thats when she saw it the milestone for Mumbai and it hit her like a bolt that all she had to do was keep walking along the tracks and they would guide her to the dream city. She didn’t have to do a thing, she didn’t have to ask a soul all that was required of her was to walk. And she could surely do that, didn’t she walk the twelve kilometers to school and back everyday?

She put down the pup and gathered up her sari to walk back home. Hitching up her sari to knee level she walked fast, her rapidly forming thoughts almost making her fly over the sharp edged stones on the sides of the tracks. She had to reach home before the rest of the family came back from work and play. For some reason it was important to her that she start on her journey this very moment. As if the rails which had been there forever were threatening to get up and leave if she didn’t decide to come along right then.

Ticking of a mental list of her must-carry valuables from her meager belongings she suddenly heard a little yelp and turned back to find the little pup rolling down the side of the tracks. She frowned, it seemed the pup was on purpose disrupting her plans. The pup in the meantime having come to a stop was looking up with the most doleful eyes at her almost reproaching her for walking too fast without a thought about his size and speed. She couldn’t help smiling and picking it up.

‘Naughty are you Ramprasad?’ she asked and laughed at the impromptu name giving. The dog wagged his tail and licked her face to show his appreciation. And then as if to remind her of her plans jumped down from her arms and started running towards her home as if completely aware of her destination and purpose.

She walked into the house on tiptoe and rushed to her corner behind the broken almirah in the kitchen where she kept her money stashed away behind a loose brick in the wall. She took out the brick and found the dirty red handkerchief in which her entire savings adding upto a couple of thousand was wrapped. She emerged back into the courtyard now all she needed to pick up was her clothes and she would be ready to begin on the journey to her new life.

Walking past the charpoy on which her grandmother was sleeping she felt a twinge of conscience, the old woman was irritating with her constant nagging but then she was the only one who had resolutely stood between starvation and the children when they were young. She bowed her head and said a quick prayer asking that the old woman not take her decision to leave to heart and be around when she would return triumphant one day to take them all to a new life.

As if answering her silent prayers the old woman turned and muttered ‘Ram! Ram!’ Sujata took that as a blessing and turned to go towards her room to pick up her clothes, a sudden voice stopped her in her tracks.